Nov 30

Guest Post: Derrick Bateman On Red Dawn, America

We asked Derrick Bateman, our lover of all things U.S.A. and Swayze, to give us a short report on the new Red Dawn. Here it is:

Red Dawn has always been a staple in my patriotic diet. When I learned it was to be revisited in 2012 I met it with apprehension. But, seeing as I am a “USA Guy” and I love to watch things explode, I decide to dive on in. The following is a side-by-side comparison of the two films using the fail proof “Derrick Bateman Movie Measuring Guide of Skill and Focus.”

Cast

The original Red Dawn had Powers Boothe, Marty McFly’s mom, that chick from Dirty Dancing, Raw Social Media Ambassador Charlie Sheen and Patrick Swayze (A.K.A. The man responsible for teaching me everything I know about loving and fighting.)

The remake has a rugged and handsome—but still totally Australian—Chris Hemsworth, and some kid from iCarly who couldn’t win a fist fight with a toilet brush.

Advantage: Red Dawn 1984

Plot

Both movies are hardly realistic, but I can feign realism to watch Swayze single handily dismiss Russian and Cuban soldiers while I cheer on from my couch. The remake swaps North Koreans in for Russians and Cubans, and a secret EMP weapon able to hold down the Pacific Northwest. Honestly, I feel as though I could lead half my Twitter followers armed with kitchen utensils and bad intentions to successfully thwart their invasion.

Advantage: Red Dawn 1984

Quotability

“AVENGE ME!” — Red Dawn 1984
“Marines don’t die. They go to Hell and regroup”— Red Dawn 2012

Advantage: Push

Intangibles

Red Dawn is on the AFI’s list of “Top 31 Films That Make You Come Out Of The Theater Swinging.” It’s an American classic that should be put into a rocket and shot into space with the intention of contacting alien life so that they’ll think twice about ever coming here looking for a fight. Red Dawn 2012 has flash, some pretty explosions, Hemsworth’s baby blues and Tom Cruise’s adopted kid, but you could wait for it to show up in your local Redbox. Actually, for the record, it should be a “Red, White and Blue Box.”

Advantage: Red Dawn 1984

In conclusion *SPOILER ALERT* America is awesome. Go Wolverines!

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